Trouser Snake
by PhoenixAS Comics
Summary: Nothing to do with title. 1968, Vietnam. Big Boss is sent to sabotage stolen nuclear goodies... and act like an ass every step of the way. Snake Eater cast and extra. Humour has improved DRASTICALLY since the 2nd chap... Dedicated to Rpgingmaster
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear... do I? 

This was requested. Oh yeah.

Trouser Snake

**Fox meets FOX**

(1968, Vietnam...)

A jet flies over Vietnamese jungle.

Inside... the Major is briefing Big Boss.

**Major Zero**: This is a sneaking mission. Know what that means?

**Big Boss**: I'm going to get betrayed, tortured, beaten, stabbed, molested and be forced to eat various wild animals. Constantly.

**Major Zero**: Good. Now, what time is it?

**Big Boss**: Uh, about 5 o'clock.

The major slaps Big Boss across the face.

**Big Boss**: What the hell was that for!

**Major Zero**: Wrong! That's the American time. Slip ups like that can get you killed on the field.

**Big Boss**: Slapping a man with a permit to kill can too.

**Major Zero**: Licence.

**Big Boss**: What?

**Major Zero**: The line is 'licence to kill'. And you call yourself a fan of James Bond?

**Big Boss**: No, I don't. You do. You're wearing the watch.

**Major Zero**: Major motion picture watches are highly fashionable, I assure you.

**Big Boss**: Then I should strut around with a damn Wizard of Oz wristwatch?

**Major Zero**: As a friend, I promise to slap you if you ever try that.

**Big Boss**: Thanks, you made my mission.

**Major Zero**: Now spread your wings and fly!

**Big Boss**: What!

The major opens the hatch and watches Big Boss get thrown out of the jet.

**Big Boss**: MAJOOOOR!

He tumbles out of view. Para-Medic walks in.

**Para-Medic**: I got the parachute for you!

**Major Zero**: You have the parachute!

**Para-Medic**: Hey, where did Snake go?

**Major Zero**: He's, uh, off to the washroom.

**Para-Medic**: Oh, that guy. He doesn't even realize that there's no washroom on a jet.

**Major Zero**: I'll be sure to chastize him for you.

(Vietnam... uh, soil)

Big Boss manages to roll onto his back and get on the radio.

**Big Boss**: Ugh, Para-Medic...

**Para-Medic**: Snake?

**Big Boss**: Big Boss...

**Para-Medic**: Sorry, what was that?

**Big Boss**: The name... is Big Boss...

**Para-Medic**: Oh, right. Sorry! I forgot. So, did you get lost looking for the 'crapper'?

**Big Boss**: Oh, yeah! I was looking for a goddamn shitter while falling to what I thought was my own fucking doom! Dumbass!

**Para-Medic**: What the hell are you talking about? Now hurry up and get your parachute.

**Big Boss**: No can do.

**Para-Medic**: Don't tell me you're stupid enough to dive out of a jet without a parachute?

**Big Boss**: I didn't dive. I fell.

**Para-Medic**: You... OH MY GOD! Are you okay?

**Big Boss**: Fine, just fine.

**Para-Medic**: Oh, good. I was worried about you for a minute there.

**Big Boss**: Remind me to hang a photo of you over my dartboard, okay?

**Para-Medic**: You were being sarcastic, weren't you?

**Big Boss**: No, I managed to tranquillize a damn cheeseburger and wanted a second opinion on whether or not it's edible.

**Para-Medic**: Oh, Snake, you can't-

**Big Boss**: Big Boss.

**Para-Medic**: What was that?

**Big Boss**: The name.

**Para-Medic**: Sorry, I guess old habits die hard, eh?

**Big Boss**: You can't be serious.

**Para-Medic**: Haven't you ever done something unconsciously because you were used to it?

**Big Boss**: I was Naked Snake for two weeks. I've been the Big Boss for four damn years.

**Para-Medic**: First impressions last.

**Big Boss**: Look, I just fell out of a moving vehicle. A flying, moving vehicle. I need medical attention.

**Para-Medic**: Alright Snake, but you have to visit me in Seattle sometime, alright? I'm working on the nations first para-medic system.

**Big Boss**: Sure. Now, about the medical attention..?

**Para-Medic**: Ah HA! I knew it!

**Big Boss**: What?

**Para-Medic**: I called you Snake and you didn't even notice.

**Big Boss**: I noticed, but I really don't care anymore.

**Para-Medic**: Sure you didn't. See? Habits die hard. Call me if you need me!

Para-Medic hangs up.

**Big Boss**: Bullshit..?

He dials her back up.

**Para-Medic**: Oh, calling me again so soon? It's pretty lonely without me, isn't it?

**Big Boss**: I... NEED... FUCKING HELP.

**Para-Medic**: Oh, god Snake! You're pretty banged up!

**Big Boss**: I hope you die.

**Para-Medic**: Okay, you'd better use a ration to heal yourself.

**Big Boss**: I've got serious injuries, and you want me to eat a ration?

**Para-Medic**: Oh, Snake...

**Big Boss**: What's with the condescending tone?

**Para-Medic**: You don't eat rations, you use them to heal your LIFE gauge.

**Big Boss**: I thought we were using the Snake Eater system for injuries?

**Para-Medic**: Are we? Hold on, I'll check.

She hangs up.

**Big Boss**: I hate my job... if I wasn't getting so much head...

Para-Medic calls him up.

**Para-Medic**: My bad. Alright, use a splint, your knife, and a shot of morphine. In that order.

**Big Boss**: Not much of a problem, but one little thing?

**Para-Medic**: Shoot.

**Big Boss**: I don't have my gear, I lost my knife in a bet to that Campbell guy who just joined, and you wouldn't let me carry morphine around on me.

**Para-Medic**: Oh, right. Well, you can always reset the bone by hand.

**Big Boss**: Why the hell would I need a knife for that?

**Para-Medic**: Sometimes it's good to see where the break is.

**Big Boss**: I don't need to see it to know where it is.

**Para-Medic**: Sure you don't, you big CIA agent, you.

**Big Boss**: Don't baby me.

He hangs up and snaps his arm back into place.

**Big Boss:** AH! Damn..!

He starts to leave, then stops.

**Big Boss**: Wait a minute...

He dials up the major.

**Big Boss**: Major.

**Major Zero**: Ah! You're alright then?

**Big Boss**: Yup.

**Major Zero**: Good. Now get to work! You're on a time limit!

**Big Boss**: Time limit? What the hell are you talking about?

**Major Zero**: Where the bloody hell were you doing the briefing?

**Big Boss**: You jettisoned me.

**Major Zero**: Right you are. Care to hear what you're up to?

**Big Boss**: There's the off chance it might help.

**Major Zero**: First, you have to meet up with an agent named Fox.

**Big Boss**: Aren't we the FOX?

**Major Zero**: No, no. You have it all wrong. FOX unit is an abbreviation, all in capitals. The man you're meeting up with is Fox, as in the animal.

**Big Boss**: But it's just a codename, right?

**Major Zero**: How the bloody hell would I know? The wanker's Vietnamese.

**Big Boss**: The time limit?

**Major Zero**: Right. The US is itching to use a Nuclear Arm again, so if you don't complete the mission, we're sending the whole country to flavour town.

**Big Boss**: The US is going to do WHAT!

**Major Zero**: Oh, my mistake.

**Big Boss:** Thank GOD...

**Major Zero**: Send the whole country to hell. I knew I shouldn't have applied for that job at Malboro.

**Big Boss**: ... you can't be serious.

**Major Zero**: Unfortunately, I am.

**Big Boss**: There's no way the UN would permit a nuclear arm fired on a country that doesn't even pose a threat!

**Major Zero**: The UN? Ha! We'll show them that there can be only one political force with two letter initials!

**Big Boss**: How long do I have!

**Major Zero**: Four months.

**Big Boss**: ... months?

**Major Zero**: Yes, months.

**Big Boss**: Well, I won't have to worry about the time limit. Why am I here again?

**Major Zero**: That blow to your head must have done some damage. eh?

**Big Boss**: I didn't land on my head. You just didn't tell me my mission objectives.

**Major Zero**: Actually, as I remember it, I did.

**Big Boss**: Major!

**Major Zero:** Can't blame a man for trying, eh?

**Big Boss**: Hurry up already.

**Major Zero**: Right. Some USSR bound nuclear warheads were hijacked by Vietnam, and we fear they may have the knowledge to use them.

**Big Boss**: Who the hell would send the Soviets a shipment of nukes?

**Major Zero**: China. Apparently some Chinese general lost a bet to Brezhnev and had to hand some over.

**Big Boss**: How would Vietnam get involved?

**Major Zero**: Apparently China thought it would be quicker to send it through Vietnam.

**Big Boss**: That's a load of crap. China shares a border with the USSR!

**Major Zero**: Snake! You have to get those nukes out of the country!

**Big Boss**: Where are they?

**Major Zero:** No idea. Meet Fox for more information.

**Big Boss**: The Fox, got it.

He hangs up.

**Big Boss**: Why the hell does everyone call me Snake?

He sets out.

(Jet)

Para-Medic is talking to Sigint.

**Sigint**: What does that mean?

**Para-Medic**: It means I think I'm pregnant with Snake's baby.

**Sigint**: Hate to say it, but the two of you haven't even bumped into each other. And he's sterile.

**Para-Medic**: It can still happen!

**Sigint**: No it can't!

**Para-Medic**: Oh yeah? Then why is it that there's a photo of me in his wallet?

**Sigint**: How did you end up with the man's wallet?

**Para-Medic**: Oh, it was with all his other stuff.

**Sigint**: You mean the man doesn't even have his gear!

(Vietnam)

Big Boss stops by a tree with a sing nailed to it.

**Big Boss**: Ameriken solgers... and an arrow pointing left?

He looks around for a second, then tears the sign off the tree and pins it to a tree behind him.

**Big Boss**: That'll confuse the damn Germans. Amerikens, huh? Damn krauts!

He wanders out into the open, keeping a look out for soldiers. He gets a call from Sigint.

**Sigint**: Hey, Snake!

**Big Boss**: Its Big Boss, bastard.

**Sigint**: Don't be racist.

**Big Boss**: Uh, why do I bother?

**Sigint**: Shit, man! I was just messing around.

**Big Boss**: Why the hell are you calling me? All I've got on me is a handgun.

**Sigint**: As THE expert on your gear, I've got one thing to say.

**Big Boss**: What's that?

**Sigint**: Heads up.

He hangs up.

**Big Boss**: What?

He looks up and sees his gear dropping towards him.

**Big Boss**: Shit!

He dives out of the way in time.

**Big Boss**: Well, looks like I'm not totally naked anymore.

He gears up and takes a look around on his scope. He spots a solider off in the distance taking a leak.

**Big Boss**: Time to see if I can still do this.

He climbs a tree and sets his sights on the lone soldier. The Major gives him a call.

**Major Zero**: Oh, and Snake?

**Big Boss**: Gimme a second...

He blows the man's head off.

**Big Boss**: Shoot.

**Major Zero:** We planted a transmitter in you. This Fox fellow should be looking for you around now.

**Big Boss**: Right.

**Major Zero**: Oh, and if you kill anyone, make sure to hide the body really well.

**Big boss**: Major... this is a war. Who the hell will notice one more soldier missing?

**Major Zero**: Them...

**Big Boss**: The Philosophers?

**Major Zero**: No. Space invaders.

**Big Boss**: ... I'll call if I need anything.

He hangs up and wanders some more, smoking.

**Voice**: Hey! You the American?

Big Boss turns around and sees a half Vietnamese child.

**Big Boss**: Uh, I'm AN American.

**Boy**: The Big Boss?

**Big Boss**: I'm your man. Who the hell are you.

**Boy**: My name's Frank Jaeger. You can call me... Fox.

**Big Boss**: You're the Fox?

**Fox**: That's what I said. Christ.

**Big Boss**: So, uh... hi. Want a chocolate?

**Fox**: Don't patronize me.

He offers Fox a chocolate.

**Fox**: ... bastard.

Fox eats the chocolate.

**Big Boss**: You have information for me.

**Fox**: Yup. But first things first...

**Big Boss**: Uh, sure.

**Fox**: You have to do a little job for me.

**Big Boss**: Don't tell me you want me to save you from forced labour.

**Fox**: Yup.

**Big Boss**: Kid... I like you. This is the starting of a marvellous father/son relationship.

**Fox**: What if you actually do have kids?

**Big Boss**: I'll mistreat them as homosexuals and pansies.

**Fox**: Sweet.

TBC


	2. Big Boss gets his eatings

Trouser Snake The Big Boss Gets His Eatings

(Vietnam, small village)

**Big Boss**: This is it, eh?

**Fox**: Yup.

It's a small village where half whites are discriminated against and used as slaves.

**Fox**: Home sweet home.

He takes a shot of whiskey.

**Big Boss**: Drinking already? You can't even be 10.

**Fox**: In Vietnam, you can start drinking the day you become an old man's bitch.

An old man walks by and waves to Fox.

**Old Man**: Oh, herro rittre Fox!

Fox shudders.

**Big Boss**: That was... weird.

He gets a call.

**Big Boss**: Hold on a minute.

**Para-Medic**: Oh, Snake, I...

**Big Boss**: Big Boss... the name is Big Boss...

**Para-Medic**: Sorry, I keep forgetting. So...

**Big Boss**: ...

**Para-Medic**: ...

Big Boss: You called me. What the hell do you want?

**Para-Medic**: Huh? Oh, right! I called to tell you something about the little man.

**Big Boss**: When I need advice on my sterile penis, I'll ask.

**Para-Medic**: Snake, I meant the child.

**Big Boss**: I have two things to say.

**Para-Medic**: Let's hear them.

**Big Boss**: First and foremost, as always, it's Big Boss. If you can't wrap your mind around it, call me BB. Second...

**Para-Medic**: Second?

**Big Boss**: How do you think he tastes?

**Para-Medic**: WHAT? You can't be serious! That's just inhuman!

**Big Boss**: I was just joking. What about the kid?

**Para-Medic**: Well, he's obviously malnourished.

**Big Boss**: Looks like it.

**Para-Medic**: He's drinking at an inconceivably young age, his liver won't be around much longer.

**Big Boss**: Can't. His body won't be able to take it.

**Para-Medic**: He appears to have muscle lesions... which isn't good at all.

**Big Boss**: He's a slave, they don't treat him so good.

**Para-Medic**: Snake, he's in worse shape then you were after that fall in Virtuous Mission.

**Big Boss**: That's a fairly good estimate. All except one minor thing.

**Para-Medic**: You're going to chastize me for calling you Snake, aren't you?

**Big Boss**: I am.

**Para-Medic**: Snake, help Fox!

**Big Boss**: Right, right.

He hangs up.

**Fox**: I heard you mention 'slave' and 'sterile penis...' That the wife?

**Big Boss**: I wish. Woman's got an ass that practically begs to get grabbed.

**Fox**: ...

**Big Boss**: Anyway, looks like I'm going to have to fix you up before we can proceed with the mission.

**Fox**: My colon isn't shattered, if you must know.

**Big Boss**: Not only am I impressed with your vocabulary, you just made me queasy.

Fox offers him some whiskey. Big Boss takes a shot.

**Big Boss**: That's better. Alright, let's start with that.

He knocks back the rest of the whiskey.

**Fox**: Hey! American bastard! That was all I had left.

**Big Boss**: Para-Medic says you shouldn't drink.

**Fox**: Para-Medic can stuff an umbrella up her ass.

Big Boss get's a call.

**Big Boss**: This is Big Boss.

**Para-Medic**: Did he just say what I thought he said?

**Big Boss**: To go stuff an umbrella up your ass.

**Para-Medic**: ...

**Big Boss**: That was what you heard, right? I could put him on if you want to hear it from the horse's mouth.

The Major pops in.

**Major**: Dammit Snake, that whiskey took effect already. You shouldn't drink on a mission.

**Big Boss**: What are you talking about?

**Major**: He's a Fox, not a horse!

**Para-Medic**: ...

**Big Boss**: ...

**Major**: Well, since that's in order, I'll resume my tea.

He hangs up.

**Para-Medic**: That was... odd.

**Sigint**: Why the hell doesn't anyone call me? I felt useless back in Snake Eater.

**Big Boss**: It's because no one wanted to know why the raindrop camo looked like it would work in the rain, you useless bastard.

**Sigint**: Well, that does make since. Oh, and since no one cares anymore, you can call me Donald.

**Big Boss**: Donald? That's a pretty good name.

**Donald**: Donald Anderson. I'm the only recurring black man in the Metal Gear series.

**Big Boss**: If you are the DARPA chief, that makes you one of two. Nah, that can't be right.

**Donald**: Ain't you never beat Snake Eater?

**Big Boss**: Well, yeah.

**Para-Medic**: It did mention you joined ARPA net at the end of the game...

**Big Boss**: Huh, so the pieces fit.

Fox joins the conversation.

**Fox**: Are you going to fix me up, or are you going to be a useless, one eyed bastard?

**Para-Medic**: Ah, Snake!

**Big Boss**: My name's not Snake!

**Para-Medic**: He's adorable. Be sure to bring him home with you after the mission!

Big Boss: Like... as a pet?

**Fox**: The name may be Fox, but I'm not a damn animal.

**Donald**: I dunno, that sounds somewhat useless. He isn't THAT cute after all.

**Fox**: ... cute, eh?

**Big Boss**: Besides, maybe he likes being a slave.

Fox puts on his most adorable voice.

**Fox**: Could I have some more chocolate, PWEASE?

**Para-Medic**: Oh, God! He's the cutest thing ever!

**Fox**: Thing?

**Big Boss**: All right, I'll bring him home for you. Now can I PLEASE get back to the mission?

**Para-Medic**: Not unless you say it.

**Big Boss**: ... no.

**Para-Medic**: Did you know that dung beetles can grow up to a size of –

**Big Boss**: Fine! Damn... Can I PWEASE (God I hate my job) get back to the mission?

**Para-Medic**: Alright! Have a nice mission!

**Donald**: God, you just embarrassed the entire team.

**Big Boss**: (nonsensical grumbling)

He hangs up.

**Fox**: Hurry up with the fixing.

**Big Boss**: Right, right.

He enters the survival viewer and patches up Fox.

**Fox**: Huh, that's better. I don't feel like dying anymore.

**Big Boss**: How badly a degree of dying?

**Fox**: Dip my entire torso into a vat of sulfuric acid quickly, pulling myself out, waiting for it to stop eating my flesh and repeating the process to the point of death.

**Big Boss**: That's quite the death.

**Fox**: That it is. About the food?

**Big Boss**: Well, your stamina bar is fairly high up, seeing as I just fed you some chocolate. But, you do need some actual food. Here, take this.

Big Boss offers a Calorie Mate.

**Fox**: Calorie Mate, eh? What is it?

**Big Boss**: It's a well balanced diet food with all the necessary nutrients for a good day.

**Fox**: What the hell is wrong with food nowadays?

**Big Boss**: Or...

He offers a chicken he stole.

**Fox**: Thank God!

He eats it. Moderate stamina boost.

**Fox**: Hmm, that's great!

**Big Boss**: That ought to patch you up for a bit.

**Fox**: Now, about the slavery?

**Big Boss**: Huh, right.

He equips a stun grenade and a cigar.

**Big Boss**: Watch the master at work. HEY! EVERYBODY!

**Vietnamese Man**: (random Vietnamese crap)

Big Boss lobs the stun grenade and turns around. It explodes. The small populace of the village is blinded.

**Fox**: ARG! My damn eyes!

**Big Boss**: That was a flashbang, watching it explode is not the smartest of things to do.

**Fox**: You told me to watch the master at work, you stupid white bastard!

**Big Boss**: Better you can't see.

He equips the M37.

**Big Boss**: Welcome to the jungle;  
We got fun 'n' games;  
We got everything you want;  
Honey we know the names;  
We are the people that can find;  
Whatever you may need ;  
If you got the money honey;  
We got your disease.

He proceeds to blow away the village.

(On the Jet)

**Donald**: So, what do you think of the new me?

**Para-Medic**: I think you're a very talented individual who can make his own way in life.

**Para-Medic's Noggin**: That'll shut the useless bastard up.

**Donald**: Good. Because I'm quitting this lazy ass job and making my own way in life.

**Para-Medic**: Good on you! You'll be great, just wait and see!

**Para-Medic's Noggin**: I am such a stupid bitch...

**Donald**: I will! That's Para-Medic, I really owe you one.

He leaves the command deck.

**Para-Medic**: Oh, shit...

**Major**: Well, you can either find a replacement or get the hell kicked off the bloody jumbo jet within an hour. I bid you good luck.

He proceeds to sip tea.

**Para-Medic**: Perfect...

(Vietnam)

Fox leads Big Boss through some wilderness.

Fox: Wait!

**Big Boss**: Enemy infantry?

**Fox**: No...

A rabbit hops out of the wilderness and stares at them. It twitches it's ears.

**Fox**: Ah, it's a beautiful piece of nature.

The rabbit is blown away.

**Big Boss**: I hope it's as delicious as it is beautiful.

Fox shakes his head.

**Fox**: I was told you'd eat anything that moves, but this?

**Big Boss**: Hey, look. That was a mother rabbit. Look at all the innocent babies.

**Fox**: Really?

They are all blown to shreds. Fox gapes at an M37 wielding Big Boss.

**Big Boss**: It sure is easy when they all huddle together in fear like that.

**Fox**: You, my good sir, are a ruthless bastard.

Gunfire hails down on them.

**Fox**: And you managed to get the attention of the Vietcong army.

**Big Boss**: Ah, shut up.

He equips the XM16E and dives behind a tree.

**Big Boss**: Duck and cover!

**Fox**: Why do I bother defecting?

He dives behind a collapsed tree.

**Big Boss**: Bribes of chocolate, and cute dieticians.

**Fox**: (ignoring the gunfire) Is she really a dietician?

**Big Boss**: Well, she's an off field medical advisor... I guess.

**Fox**: ...

**Big Boss**: She bitches every time I try to eat an innocent animal.

**Fox**: Ah, a hippy.

**Big Boss**: Like a hippy, but she won't give me any free love.

**Fox**: What a lousy hippy.

**Big Boss**: Hold on a sec...

He lobs a couple smoke bombs into the infantry's general direction and equips the thermal goggles.

**Fox**: Prepared, aren't you?

**Big Boss**: I'm prepared for nuclear winter.

**Fox**: ...

**Big Boss**: I'm wearing two pairs of boxers.

**Fox**: Ah.

Big Boss jumps out, firing wildly.

**Big Boss**: AAHH!

**Fox**: Crazy half blind...

He gets a call.

**Fox**: Wha..? Uh, hello?

**Para-Medic**: Hi!

**Fox**: Oh, you... what?

**Para-Medic**: Well, I called Snake and didn't get an answer, so...

**Fox**: He's killing right now.

**Para-Medic**: Did you remind him that this is a sneaking mission?

**Fox**: No. I didn't even know that it was a sneaking mission.

**Para-Medic**: Didn't he tell you anything?

**Fox**: His name, I guess.

**Para-Medic**: Well, tell him to give me a call when he's free.

**Fox**: Right. Uh, about him...

**Para-Medic**: What?

**Fox**: Is it normal for him to kill an innocent rabbit?

**Para-Medic**: Pretty usual stuff.

**Fox**: Then massacre all of its babies for no apparent reason and not even carry them around as food?

**Para-Medic**: He did what!

**Fox**: Then he made a comment about it too... something about it being easy.

**Para-Medic**: ... oh... my... God...

**Fox**: That's a no, then?

**Para-Medic**: ...

**Fox**: I'll get him to call you.

He hangs up. Big Boss struts over.

**Big Boss**: So... I'm, uh, done... yeah.

**Fox**: You're wasted, aren't you?

**Big Boss**: Well, to put it as simply as possible...

**Fox**: ...

**Big Boss**: Huh?

**Fox:** That's what I thought. Give Para-Medic a call.

**Big Boss**: Alright! That chick is HOT!

He calls Para-Medic.

**Big Boss**: Hey, sexy...

**Para-Medic**: Don't you dare start that, you sick bastard!

**Big Boss**: Tell me when I can, cause I ain't gonna understand shit all you say.

**Para-Medic**: You're sloshed, aren't you?

**Big Boss**: No.

**Para-Medic**: You killed innocent animals! BABY ANIMALS!

**Big Boss**: They had it coming. The mom died, they would have, uh...

**Para-Medic**: Starved?

**Big Boss**: Yeah, I'm a bit hungry. Don't worry about me though, I'll chow down on that rabbit later.

**Para-Medic**: You know what? Forget it. Say hello to your new weapons specialist!

**Big Boss**: My who?

She hangs up. A man gets on.

**Man**: Hello, Big Boss. It's been a couple fics, huh?

**Big Boss**: You... you're that anime loving guy who always hangs around my sonses...

**Man**: ... you're tanked, aren't you?

**Big Boss**: Well I ain't SOBER!

**Man**: Don't get screaming at me... never mind. I think you meant Otacon there.

**Big Boss**: Not the nerd, the dude with the shotgun... Blizzard?

**Blizrun**: It's Blizrun. Nice to see you a bit younger.

**Big Boss**: A bit? Hell, this ain't a bit! Ladies'll be all upons when I'm home... getting home... hungry.

**Blizrun**: Riiight... Call me if you need anything.

TBC


	3. The Good, The Bad, The Chinese Spy

Trouser Snake

_The Good, The Bad, The Chinese Spy_

(Vietnam)

**Big Boss**: ... hungry...

**Fox**: What do you want me to do about it?

**Big Boss**: Well... you've got a home, don'tcha?

**Fox**: ... do I really have to introduce you to my mom? You're drunk, and she's kind of a... well, a slut.

**Big Boss**: Sold. Let's go home for dinner.

**Fox**: Fine, but you have to catch something.

**Big Boss**: If she's as big a tramp as you say... (hic)... herpes, maybe AIDS...

**Fox**: Something to eat, bastard.

**Big Boss**: My bad.

**Fox**: Your damn right it is. Go hunting!

**Big Boss**: ... where?

**Fox**: We're stranded in a jungle. I'll stay right here, you look around and shoot something.

**Big Boss**: Uh, alright. I guess. Can't be that hard.

**Fox**: Oh, and try and get a Snake. She loves Snake. Sometimes when she's drunk she'll mumble crap about a Snake she knew once.

**Big Boss**: You really shouldn't have told me that. You know, how to please her.

**Fox**: You're going to try and impress, then nail my mother, aren't you?

**Big** **Boss**: Do you want me to agree with you, or lie?

**Fox**: Lie.

**Big Boss**: No.

**Fox**: ... damn.

Big Boss stumbles off into the jungle in a drunken haze.

**Fox**: Somehow I think I'm going to have a little sister running around.

(Jungle)

Big Boss staggers around, waving his pistol around.

**Big Boss**: A snake... gotta find a snake. If I feed her a snake for dinner... I can give her another one later. Hee hee.

He gets a call.

**Para-Medic**: Huh, I've never heard you giggle like a little girl before.

**Big Boss**: I'm drunk, chalk it up to that.

**Para-Medic**: I thought you just said you weren't?

**Big Boss**: Chalk that up to being drunk as well.

**Para-Medic**: Oh, and Snake?

**Big Boss**: It's Big Boss.

**Para-Medic**: Just let it slide, okay?

**Big Boss**: No, at least call me... I dunno, BB?

**Para-Medic**: (snicker) BB? Little, a little girl named BB?

**Big Boss**: A man doesn't need a big name. If he's man enough, they'll know.

**Para-Medic**: Know what?

**Big Boss**: That he's man enough.

**Para-Medic**: Man enough for what?

**Big Boss**: To have a sissy name.

**Para-Medic**: How does being a man make up for having a 'sissy name'?

**Big Boss**: You really wanna know?

**Para-Medic**: Well, yeah.

**Big Boss**: Become a man.

**Para-Medic**: Uh, all right?

**Big Boss**: NO! Don't, I didn't mean it!

**Para-Medic**: Don't worry, I was just humouring you.

**Big Boss**: Well, I didn't find it funny.

**Para-Medic**: That's not what I meant...

**Big Boss**: Then try and make more sensewith what you say.

**Para-Medic**: Un, alright..?

**Big Boss**: On that, I have an even better suggestion.

**Para-Medic**: Let's hear it then.

**Big Boss**: Get in a box.

**Para-Medic**: What! You want me to become a lesbian?

**Big Boss**: What..? Ugh, get your mind out of the gutter! A cardboard box!

**Para-Medic**: Oh, alright then.

**Para-Medic's Noodle**: Ah, the cardboard box. NOW I know what the hell Sigint was talking about all the time. He really is off his rocker.

**Big Boss**: You know what? I think I'll go to Seattle and see you sometime.

**Para-Medic**: Really! Oh, BB, that's so sweet of you!

**Big Boss**: And I'll bring it.

**Para-Medic**: 'It'? 

**Big Boss**: My box.

**Para-Medic**: You actually brought that cardboard box back with you?

**Big Boss**: Of course. It's my zen zone. It's where I sleep, it's where I eat, it's where I love.

**Para-Medic**: Eh, you mean like, MAKE love?

**Big Boss**: Imagine love, give love, take love, make love... huh, those last two rhymed.

**Para-Medic**: Whoa, you're getting really spaced out.

**Big Boss**: Box... huh?

He shakes it off.

**Big Boss**: Sorry, so, what was I talking about?

**Para-Medic**: Uh... where to find a snake! That's it!

**Big Boss**: Right. Where should I be able to find a snake?

**Para-Medic**: Um, my best bet would be slithering on the ground.

**Big Boss**: Beautiful. See you around, Para-Medic.

He hangs up. He gets a call.

**Blizrun**: Hey, Big Boss. You ever watch Gundam Wing?

**Big Boss**: No. Never heard of it.

**Blizrun**. Oh. Anyway, I called to teach you how to hunt, seeing as you have to kill the little critters.

**Big Boss**: Wait!

**Blizrun**: What?

**Big Boss**: If you called to talk to me about killing animals, why the hell did you ask me about Japanese cartoons?

**Blizrun**: It's ANIME, not cartoons.

**Big Boss**: I'll call it anime when you call me Big Boss!

**Blizrun**: I did call you Big Boss.

**Big Boss**: Oh, my bad. I'm used to everyone calling me Snake.

**Blizrun**: So, are you going to call it anime?

**Big Boss**: Nope.

**Blizrun**. Right. So, anyhow, to kill an animal for eating...

**Big Boss**: Well?

**Blizrun**: Aim the gun and pull the trigger.

**Big Boss**: ... you don't say?

**Blizrun**: Look, the job sucks. If you get into a boss fight or some crap involving crazy technology, THEN I can help you.

**Big Boss**: Wait. If I find a cellphone, can you e-mail me porn?

**Blizrun**: You do realize that it's 1968?

**Big Boss**: Theoretically speaking, of course.

**Blizrun**: And in Vietnam, no less...

**Big Boss**: In the very off chance that I do...

**Blizrun**: Look, IF, and that's a massive ass IF you have there, you find a cellphone I can send you porn. So, yeah.

**Big Boss**: Perfect.

**Blizrun**: So, good luck hunting.

**Big Boss**: Thanks. One last thing, though.

**Blizrun**: Yes, I am going to ask you about anime every time I call.

**Big Boss**: ... damn, you and Para-Medic.

**Blizrun**: Have a good one.

**Big Boss**: I hope she is.

**Blizrun**: What?

**Big Boss**: Huh, nothing.

**Blizrun**: Riiight...

He hangs up.

**Big Boss**: What did Para-Medic say? Right, on the ground.

He stalks around, eyes on the ground. He keeps it up. Time just FLIES(sarcasm) by, and Big Boss is getting hungry as a bastard.

**Big Boss**: So hungry... so very, very hungry...

He sees a rabbit hop by.

**Big Boss**: Score!

He aims and fires. A miss.

**Big Boss**: What?

He empties an entire clip on nothing.

**Big Boss**: Dammit!

He gets a call.

**Big Boss**: What the hell do you want!

**Para-Medic**: Hey! I'm trying to help you, jackass! Do it yourself.

**Big Boss**: Ah, damn!

She hangs up.

**Big Boss**: I wasted a clip and a silencer... now what do I so?

He stares at the rabbit, who completely ignores him.

**Big Boss**: This needs... couth. Skill and dignity is all I need.

He equips the M63.

**Big Boss**: And to up the caliber! HRAAAA!

He proceeds to destroy the area. A stray bullet strikes the rabbit in the foot and it falls over.

**Big Boss**: Now THAT'S Metal Gear!

He eats the rabbit. Decent Stamina boost.

**Big Boss**: This works... but I'm still hungry.

He sees a squirrel run up a tree. He draws the M19 and shoots it.

**Big Boss**: Hey! My aim got better! I guess I should pay more attention to Para-Medic.

He eats the squirrel. Barely noticeable stamina recovery.

**Big Boss**: God, that's disgusting!

Another squirrel runs up a nearby tree. He shoots it and picks it up.

**Big Boss**: I hope you taste better than your little friend!

He eats it. Same results.

**Big Boss**: Ugh, disgusting! I swear to God, I tasted rotten meat that time!

Another squirrel climbs up a tree next to him. He shoots it.

**Big Boss**: Nothing that bad tasting deserves to be alive.

He keeps looking for a snake. What appears to be a snare manages to catch his foot.

**Big Boss**: God damn snares.

He leans up and slashes it with his knife.

**Big Boss**: That's weird. It didn't cut all the way through. And it's bleeding. And it has a nice pattern on its scales, all the way up its sinuous body... goddamn, Para-Medic.

He calls Para-Medic.

**Para-Medic**: Hey, BB. About what happened earlier... I believe in forgiving and forgetting.

**Big Boss**: And I believe in you going to hell.

**Para-Medic**: What? I can't believe you would...

**Big Boss**: Shut up and listen. I followed your advice, looking for that damn snake on the ground. I managed to sober up, starve myself half to death and eat a couple of squirrels. I firmly believe squirrel meat is what they pack in those damn rations. Anyhow, I managed to get my leg in a snare. Turns out it's not a snare. IT'S A SNAKE. A HUGE SNAKE HANGING FROM A TREE. Arg... I need my box...

**Para-Medic**: You're hanging from a huge snake!

**Big Boss**: Yes.

**Para-Medic**: HOLY SHIT! Do something! It's going to try and constrict you and eat you!

**Big Boss**: Oh... uh, thanks.

He hangs up and looks up. The massive snake is starting to slither around his legs.

**Big Boss**: This can't be good.

He leans up and slices the snake again.

**Big Boss**: Take that, you scaly bastard.

**Snake**: Hiss...

**Big Boss**: Hm... you look tasty... really, really tasty...

**Snake**: Hiss...

**Big Boss**: Time to get eaten!

He sticks his M19 to its face and blows it away.

**Big Boss**: Now for the hurt...

The snake becomes a food item and dissolves. Big Boss falls to the ground in a heap.

**Big Boss**: Oof! Arg, my back...

He gets a call.

**Para-Medic**: BB, you managed to pull a muscle in your back. The only thing I recommend is a massage, really.

**Big Boss**: What the hell did you just call me?

**Para-Medic**: Uh, the initials to your name?

**Big Boss**: That was awkward. Never call me that again.

**Para-Medic**: But you told me to?

**Big Boss**: Chalk it up to my being drunk.

**Para-Medic**: You use that a lot, chalking things up?

**Big Boss**: What? AH! Don't tell me you forgot!

**Para-Medic**: Forgot what?

**Big Boss**: When I say to chalk something up, you write it down! It's so I can keep a record. I swear, if I ever have a son... he'll do all the chalking I can make him do...

**Para-Medic**: Are you okay?

**Big Boss**: ...

**Para-Medic**: Will my apologizing make it better?

**Big Boss**: (humming)

**Para-Medic**: What's he doing..?

**Big Boss**: Ah, it's all better now. It's alright Para-Medic, everything is happy now. Perfect peace.

**Para-Medic**: You're talking strange... were you just in the box?

**Big Boss**: Yup.

**Para-Medic**: Okay... that fixes everything then.

**Big Boss**: Now if you don't mind, there's sex with my name on it.

**Para-Medic**: ...

**Big Boss**: What? Jealous?

**Para-Medic**: What! Uh, no!

**Big Boss**: Damn... well, see you around.

**Para-Medic**: You're smoking, aren't you?

**Big Boss**: Nothing relaxes a man like smoking a wholesome cigar in a cardboard box.

**Para-Medic**: You realize by doing that you filled the entire box with smoke and breathed nothing but it for a while?

**Big Boss**: Why else would I be in such a good mood?

**Para-Medic**: Some other time, Snake.

**Big Boss**: What did I say..?

She hangs up.

**Big Boss**: Whatever.

He finds Fox.

**Fox**: Where in the living Hell were you!

**Big Boss**: Hunting. Got a snake.

**Fox**: ... I'm not even going to ask. I'll take you to my place.

(Fox residence, Hanoi)

**Fox**: Mom, I brought back a big American with a snake and a beard!

**Mom's voice**: That's nice.

**Big Boss**: That voice..?

He runs into the next room.

**Big Boss**: Eva!

**Eva**: Snake!

**Fox**: Snake?

**Big Boss**: Fox!

**Eva**: Eva!

**Fox**: What the hell?

**Big Boss**: Sorry, got swept along.

**Eva**: What the hell are you doing here?

**Big Boss**: Well... I still owe you a dinner. I hope you like massive snakes... and I know you do. (snicker)

**Fox**: That's it, I'm scarred.

He leaves the room.

**Big Boss**: Damn, you're still looking... hot.

**Eva**: Still as sweet as ever.

**Big Boss**: Not really, I'm just looking to get some.

**Eva**: You came to the right place.

They lean in to kiss.

**Big Boss**: Wait!

**Eva**: What?

**Big Boss**: If we last met four years ago, and you now live in Vietnam with a half-Vietnamese son who's about ten years old... the numbers don't add up!

**Eva**: Who the hell cares?

**Big Boss**: Good point.

They start making out and fall to the floor.

He gets a call.

**Big Boss**: What the hell!

**Para-Medic**: A HA! If you managed to get your foot snared by the snake, that means you actually did find it on the ground!

**Big Boss**: You're completely right. I'm going to sleep, don't call for a few hours.

He hangs up on her.

They continue making out and rolling around.

**Fox**: (shouting from the other room) Could you keep it down? Jesus!

**Eva**: Sorry, baby!

**Big Boss**: Wait... what do you know about Chinese nukes here?

**Eva**: I got sent to take them back.

**Big Boss**: So you know where they are?

Eva: Of course.

**Big Boss**: My mission is to get them out of the country... we could work together.

**Eva**: Hmm, sounds good.

**Big Boss**: And that means a whole lot more sex.

**Eva**: That's what I was hoping to hear.

**Fox**: SHUT UP!

**Big Boss**: Wait... you were only recently sent from China here to get these nukes, yet you already have a home here and a roughly ten year old son?

**Eva:** Yes.

**Big Boss: **Alright then.

To be continued...

Reviews are appreciated, or course.


	4. Ride this spiral

Trouser Snake  
_Ride This Spiral..._

Yup, a Tool influenced title.

(Chez Fox)

**Big Boss**: Huh, my back doesn't hurt anymore. That's one hell of a massage.

He gets a call.

**Big Boss**: I hope that isn't Para-Medic again...

**Major Zero**: Hello, Snake.

**Big Boss**: Major? I thought I told you not to call me that.

**Major Zero**: How could you?

**Big Boss**: What? Eva? Some James Bond fan you are.

**Major Zero**: No, fraternizing with the enemy aside, I'm beginning to fear that the two of us may be drifting away from one another. A friendship lost is a good friend lost at sea.

**Big Boss**: Hmm... that could have started when you ejected me from the plane.

**Major Zero**: True, that wasn't a very friendly gesture. I do believe I'll make it up to you, however. Possibly by serenading you with Tool songs.

**Big Boss**: I find two things wrong with everything we've said so far.

**Major Zero**: Feel free to enlighten me.

**Big Boss**: Right... let's see then. The first is by your noticing a lack of friendship between us. When was the last time we talked? Yesterday?

**Major Zero**: Two chapters ago. You completely ignored me that last chapter. I was emotionally wounded, you know.

**Big Boss**: Oh, sorry. I guess.

**Major Zero**: Do you have the foggiest as to how it is?

**Big Boss**: I didn't catch the meaning of that. Foggy?

**Major Zero**: To between Para-Medic and Blizrun while you chat away with them, happy as can bloody be? What was I to do, imagine you forgot your CO? No, I take these things to heart. I've already sent in the request to disband FOX. As of 1969, FOX will be no more. I'm terribly sorry.

**Big Boss**: What the hell? I didn't even want to talk to them! They called me!

**Major Zero**: Yet you didn't even ask them about me? How I was feeling? Whether or not I was planning to make a parfait to go along with that exquisite souffle I have the ingredients for? If I loved the Celtics as much as Her Majesty? Tell me, Snake!

**Big Boss**: I... no, I didn't. I guess this is it, then.

**Major Zero**: Yes... I'm sorry, old friend.

**Major Zero**: HA! No, I was just having a touch of fun. Looking for some attention, you know. I managed to overhear that you now have the location of the nuclear arms?

**Big Boss**: WHAT!

**Major Zero**: Get over yourself, a the damn french cuisine should have tided you over. Now, answer me. You know where the nukes are?

**Big Boss**: I'm going to hurt you when I get back... I thought you were going to fire me! And yes, I located the nukes... more or less.

**Major Zero**: Good. Proceed to dismantle, disarm, destroy or simply remove them.

**Big Boss**: Understood.

**Major Zero**: Oh, and one last thing. This is a war, not like the one we're having with the USSR. This war is a raging hot one. Vietcong soldiers are systematically searching to find and kill you, along with any other American they can find. If you don't like it, quit.

**Big Boss**: I don't like it, but I can't quit. If I try, you'll have me shot.

**Major Zero**: Maybe you should join the National Guard?

**Big Boss**: National Guard? Hey, I thought we were back on good terms!

**Major Zero**: That was a bit rude, don't you think? I know men in the National Guard. Good men, like that George fellow I met the other day.

**Big Boss**: Look at it this way, in forty years, who are we going to remember? The boys who stayed at home or the men who fought for their country?

**Major Zero**: Now, listen here! I wouldn't be surprised if poor George became the President one day!

**Big Boss**: Who in their right mind would elect someone like him for President? All he'd do is push the country's weight around.

**Major Zero**: Maybe so, but the world needs to fell Uncle Sam's heavy set feet on their toes.

**Big Boss**: Quite the patriot...

**Major Zero**: Thank you.

**Big Boss**: For an immigrant.

**Major Zero**: What was that?

**Big Boss**: What was what?

**Major Zero**: I could have sworn I heard you tag something on there.

**Big Boss**: Not on this end.

The Para-Medic manages to squeeze her way in.

**Para-Medic**: Uh, Big Boss?

**Big Boss**: Thank you, and yes?

**Para-Medic**: Think I need to talk to the Major for a second.

**Big Boss**: Sure.

**Para-Medic**: Alone.

**Big Boss**: Uh, sure.

He hangs up.

**Big Boss**: Hmm... morning people are such jackasses.

(Command plane... thingy)

**Major Zero**: What is it, Para-Medic?

Blizrun chuckles.

**Para-Medic**: Shut up! The only reason you're here is because the author felt obliged to keep up with a friend!

**Blizrun**: Hey, we'll see who's gonna be more appreciated in a second.

**Major Zero**: Enough petty squabbling. What is it?

**Para-Medic**: Well, you see...

**Blizrun**: You're like a teenage girl.

**Para-Medic**: Shut up!

**Major Zero**: Don't get out of line, hear me?

**Blizrun**: Right, right.

**Major Zero**: Now, say it already! I haven't got the whole day to spend berating you!

**Para-Medic**: Remember what you said about Big Boss and disbanding the FOX unit?

**Major Zero**: Ah, yes.

He chuckles.

**Major Zero**: Rather amusing plot, was it not?

**Para-Medic**: Yeah, it was pretty funny.

They all share a laugh.

**Para-Medic**: Yeah, except for one thing.

**Blizrun**: This is where it gets funny!

**Para-Medic**: So when you started with the plan... you brought Big Boss up.

**Major Zero**: I most certainly did.

**Para-Medic**: And, you know how I am... I got all giddy and started fantasising.

**Major Zero**: I would have much rather never had heard that.

**Para-Medic**: Well, I was spaced out imagining Big Boss, and...

**Major Zero**: Well?

**Para-Medic**: Heheh, I managed to miss the entire plan.

**Major Zero**: Is that all?

**Para-Medic**: Well...

**Major Zero**: That's quite alright. For future reference, though, I would prefer it if you payed more attention.

**Para-Medic**: So then you were actually talking to him, and I overheard that you filed a report requesting the disbanding of FOX. I, uh, got on the radio and made the general announcement and got us officially disbanded as of 1969.

**Major Zero**: ...

**Blizrun**: HAHAHAHA! I LOVE this job!

**Major Zero**: ... I need my afternoon tea...

**Para-Medic**: It's not even noon.

**Major Zero**: SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP AND FETCH ME A CUP OF TEA!

(Vietnam Jungle)

Big Boss is on one knee, talking via radio.

**Big Boss**: You sure this is the best way to do it?

**Eva**: Yup. Besides, I can tell you're best at working solo.

**Big Boss**: I can recognize a blow to my sexual peformance.

**Eva**: Always a smart one, weren't you? Seriously though, this should be a breeze compared to Groznyj Grad. Getting in and out won't be too much of a problem at all.

**Big Boss**: That's true. I am at my best when I work alone.

**Eva**: Right, so what's with the complaints?

**Big Boss**: You dumped your kid on me.

**Eva**: Never dated a single mother before, have you?

**Big Boss**: I can honestly say I'm the one of us who didn't.

**Eva**: Ha ha ha, cute. Besides, you'll need him to translate everything back to English for you.

Big Boss turns to Fox.

**Big Boss**: Congratulations, you're a fucking dictionary.

**Fox**: Joy.

**Eva**: Seriously though, this isn't all jungle infiltration. That's your forte, after all.

**Big Boss**: Actually, my forte is urban environment infiltration. I suck ass at jungle missions.

**Eva**: ... really?

**Big Boss**: Look, we met at an abandoned outdoors facility. You saved my ass. I get ambushed by every single last one of the Cobra's on the way to Groznyj Grad. I get in, it takes Volgin to actually notice I broke in.

**Eva**: Come to think of it...

**Big Boss**: None of that matters though. You know why?

**Eva**: Because you've become a much better man since then.

**Big Boss**: No, because I have a cardboard box on my side.

**Eva**: ... a what?

**Big Boss**: A cardboard box.

**Eva**: Like, to ship things in?

**Big Boss**: Yeah. Think of it. This is an all-out war. Some little Asian spots a random, innocent, rather tempting box off in a corner of a room. What does he think?

**Eva**: ... food?

**Big Boss**: No, some idiot didn't get around to unpacking the box and he leaves it alone.

**Eva**: Are you sure?

**Big Boss**: You just don't understand the box. It's pure genius on itself.

**Eva**: But what if someone takes the initiative to unpack the box?

**Big Boss**: Anyone who touches my box must die.

At the moment, Fox was examining the box behind him. He tosses it away and looks innocent.

**Big Boss**: ANYONE.

Fox swallows.

**Eva**: ... riiight. So, good luck then.

**Big Boss**: By the way, that's a good view of your cleavage.

**Eva**: Thanks! The radio photo reminded me of a magazine shoot so I tried to be as sexy as I could.

**Big Boss**: Nice.

**Eva**: So, did you get all that?

A 'yes'/'no' selection appears. Big Boss sifts between them, finally deciding 'no'.

**Eva**: No? What didn't you get?

**Big Boss**: The... uh, rack distracted me.

**Eva**: Fine, I'll make it quick. Hike north until you find the military outpost, then do your thing and meet up with me at the nukes. Got it?

**Big Boss**: What if I meet someone really huge with a minigun, or someone who can survive a bullet wound to the head?

**Eva**: Snake, that's just retarded. Who the hell can survive a bullet wound to the head?

**Big Boss**: I dunno, but the Pain could control bees and all.

**Eva**: There's a distinct difference between immortality and controlling stupid bugs.

**Big Boss**: Yeah, I guess.

**Eva**: So, good luck!

**Big Boss**: Roger.

She hangs up.

**Big Boss**: You up for a hike?

**Fox**: It's only a couple kilometres, let's go.

**Big Boss**: Alright, let's get the lead out.

And so they hike, shooting cute, wild animals for amusement. Eventually they reach...

(Dense jungle)

**Big Boss**: Whoa, things got different in this area... a lot more... I don't know...

**Fox**: Tight?

**Big Boss**: No, more...

**Fox**: Thick?

**Big Boss**: No, not that either. Arg, I hate it when I can't think of a word!

**Muffled Voice**: Dense.

**Big Boss**: That's it! Dense! Hey, kid, you alright? You're voice got deep all of a sudden.

**Muffled Voice Fox**: Oh, are you saying I have a girly voice? I don't find that nice, comrade.

**Big Boss**: Comrade?

He gets into his CQC stance.

**Big Boss**: Something isn't right... what was it?

He thinks back.

_**Eva**: Oh, and Snake? I heard that some Russian psychic was down here to claim those nukes too. Be careful._

_**Big Boss**: ... boobs._

He snaps out of it.

**Big Boss**: The Russian!

**Muffled Voice Fox**: That's right. I'm the best the KGB has to offer. And all I live to see is death...

**Big Boss**: Where the hell are you!

Fox passes out. An invisible figure behind him appears.

**Man**: Here, 'Big Boss'.

**Big Boss**: Awful frail, aren't you?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Play Metal Gear Solid or Twin Snakes and call Naomi to get info on Psycho Mantis during the fight. He's Russian.

**Mantis**: Don't even think of it. I can read you like an open book! You won't even be able to get near me!

**Big Boss**: Oh yeah?

**Mantis**: Let's see... oh, you like snakes, don't you?

**Big Boss**: Lucky guess.

**Mantis**: You believe the highest point of consciousness only manifests while smoking in a cardboard box.

**Big Boss**: That's a well-established fact.

**Mantis**: Hm... you had sex twice last night and once this morning. This morning, all you could think about was getting back in that box, touching that box... what's with the box?

**Big Boss**: AH HA! I thought you could read minds?

**Mantis**: How DARE you? Need I show you why I am the most powerful practitioner or psychokinesis and telepathy in the world?

**Big Boss**: If you can.

He aims the M19.

**Big Boss**: But, then again, you could always just die.

He fires. Mantis dodges the bullet.

**Big Boss**: ... plan B, then.

**Mantis**: I know exactly what you're planning... the box? What? All I can read is the box?

**Big Boss**: THIS IS FOR THE BOX!

He charges Mantis.

**Mantis**: No, wait! I'm fragile!

Big Boss CQC slams him to the ground.

**Mantis**: Arg, you broke my arm!

**Big Boss**: You're pretty good. Ever think of defecting to the west?

**Mantis**: No.

**Big Boss**: Too bad. You should think about it sometime.

He knocks him out. Fox wakes up.

**Fox**: Arg, my head...

**Big Boss**: Nothing to worry about anymore. Let's get a move on.

He walks off. Fox kicks Mantis in the head and keeps walking.

To be continued.

Oh, just so you all know, this is a prequel to Teenage Wasteland. If you're wondering about the age inconsistency thing... I'll put up a time line at the end to make sense of it.


End file.
